first ultrasound

August 7
thanks for praying. so sorry to keep you waiting. the u/s was not what we had hoped for. at first glance the dr. thought my bladder was full and had me go to the restroom. i knew something was wrong right away bc i didn't have to go. i told ryan that something wasn't right. turns out what she was seeing was a ridiculously large cyst on my right ovary and both were hyper stimulated from the injections.

she had to push down on my uterus to try to find the baby and when she did only a tiny sac appeared. she said, well there is the sac. i said...it looks empty and asked if we should at least see the fetal pole by now if not the heart beat. she said, "we should but it's still pretty early". i asked if it could be a blighted ovum and she said, yes it could be but let's do some blood work today and another u/s is one week. she said she has been wrong before and that it might just be the cyst interfering. but as soon as i said it didn't look good she agreed...saying, no..it doesn't look good. she said if it is a BO the cyst is putting off enough hormones to cause the bloating, etc and is also preventing me from having the m/c. although she said there is still hope...i have researched enough to know there is very little at this point (7 weeks).

i was in a state of complete & strangely calm shock until ryan and i walked to the lab for blood work. i lost it in the hallway and had to brace myself against the wall...it just knocked the wind out of me. we had to sit in the waiting room for 15 minutes before my name was called...which was complete torture. when we got to the car we both just sobbed for a long time... it hurts so much. we have been able to grieve off and on all day...laying in bed and crying for much of it. and as you know from having a m/c, we feel like we have been turned inside out. the pain is so deep it feels as real as the loss of a child that we have held in our arms.

i might not be around much this week....just need to pour my heart out before Him for a while. i also start work tomorrow which i am dreading. i know many teachers have heard that we were pregnant and will be asking about it...the grief is too fresh to talk about in person without breaking down. so please pray for strength to get through those difficult conversations.

thanks girls for praying..i will keep you posted on my beta numbers in the next few days. they should call back in the morning with the first results and depending on what they are i will go back in for another.