grief like no other

Aug. 19
yesterday was really hard. i had not cried all week since my last u/s until i got in the shower yesterday morning. the realization of why i was getting ready hit me and i just fell apart. had to go to a staff development meeting for work and they devoted some time to pray over me...even though it is a secular program. everyone was surrounding and crying with me ...it was precious. going into the hospital room was tough as well...getting undressed and having every medical personnel ask me why i was there/ for what procedure. when they rolled me into the operating room i just cried and cried. i could barely answer their questions...it was all so final...medical staff in masks and hats, a large table of strange instruments. they drugged me up pretty fast since i was so upset so i fell asleep in less than 10 seconds. the procedure must have been really quick. i have not had much cramping or bleeding thankfully and am feeling almost 100% physically. i am so thankful to not be in pain.

it was all just so final yesterday and the most difficult thing i have ever had to do. i am not fully convinced it is less emotionally traumatic than miscarrying naturally but hope to never find out. ryan and i will write letters to the baby today for a bit of closure. i am feeling refreshed this morning and experiencing His new mercies.