Tuesday, September 29, 2009

biting hurts

so i have another nugget of gold for you today! we will revisit the skill of assertiveness but begin first with composure.

would you agree that before any problem solving can take place (or prefrontal lobe skills we might say), we have to be willing or ready??

think of the last time you had marital conflict... if your husband is like mine, he is the far more mature party in the relationship and seeks to resolve conflict quickly. short accounts are the name of the game.

i, on the other hand, am often less willing. i enjoy wallowing a bit longer in my lymbic system, or emotional state. i'm sure i'm the only female with this struggle, so feel free to just keep reading.

often times we engage with our spouses or children before their brains are even ready. becky bailey, the founder of conscious discipline® , says it is like reasoning with a frog. our children only have access to certain skills while in their brain stem or lymbic system, and problem solving is not one of them.

we often attempt to make children feel bad for their behaviors in an effort to motivate new ones. interestingly, this is not how the brain works. it cannot simultaneously feel bad (or under threat) and learn a new skill. the goal is teaching young children new skills, primarily the skill of self-regulation. this is not to say that there are not consequences for behaviors. consequences are a necessary part of developing the desired skill.

my encouragement is for us to begin focusing more on developing the skills, modeling the language we refer to as "using your words", and then imposing the consequences. after teaching, modeling & practicing the skills, consequences have their proper place.

now that i have rambled on... remember to visit this site for more resources or feel free to email me any questions.

ps... i forgot to warn you that just minutes before this video was taken i had been folding laundry.... just in case you were wondering why berkley is wearing her brother's cookie monster underwear!


  1. I LOVE the info that you have to share!! I don't have a name suggestion...just thirsty for more!!!!! (It was a tiny bit hard to hear with the music, but not impossible!)

  2. Ahhh...forgot to say u will have to pause the music on the sidebar before playing videos.glad u enjoy the videos even with background noise.:)


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